How the Billy Graham Rule Ruins Relationships

A guest post by Kelly Edmiston

How the Billy Graham Rule Ruins Relationships: The over-sexualization of women in the Church.

Disclaimers:

Up to this point and with the facts that are known, I do not think Matt Chandler sinned by having a friendship with a woman in his Church. I believe an issue that has been overlooked and is significant is the over-sexualization of women in this situation.

First, a few things about me. I am in a doctoral program where I am researching the integration (or lack thereof) of human sexuality and spirituality. Second, I am a pastor who is female and have served in male-dominated spaces for the majority of my career. I have been pastoring in churches (internationally and domestically) for 15 years. Last, I am currently pastoring at a Vineyard Church (fully egalitarian.) My views expressed in this article do not necessarily represent that of the Vineyard Church of Sugar Land/Stafford or Vineyard USA.

The SBC, Matt Chandler,  and The Village Church

In the past week, if you are following the news on any platform, you have likely heard about Matt Chandler, Lead/Teaching Pastor at the Village Church near Dallas, Tx. Chandler has been asked to take an indefinite leave of absence from teaching/preaching because the elders (after months of investigation) determined that he developed an inappropriate relationship with a woman online. The grounds for deeming the online relationship inappropriate and one that “crossed the line” was the “frequency and familiarity” with which Chandler and this female friend were interacting through Instagram DM’s.

For the increasingly tragic history of The Village Church in Dallas, Tx, check out the article and timeline. https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/nation/2022/08/30/megachurch-pastor-matt-chandler-instagram/7938054001/

(The above USA Today article neglects to mention the spiritual abuse of 2015 when the elders “disciplined” a woman who left her husband. Her husband was entrenched in pedophilia.

https://baptistnews.com/article/man-confesses-to-child-porn-church-disciplines-his-wife/#.YxtKbC-B1bU)

There have been a variety of responses from Christians in light of this news. Some say that Chandler submitting to the elder’s discipline is an act of humility and suitable for a pastor who should live “above reproach” and to “a higher standard” (words that Chandler himself used in his confession to his church. You can find it on YouTube.) Others say that this kind of public discipline reinforces patriarchy and furthers the chasm between women and their (male) pastors, which is sexism. Keep in mind that the SBC does not ordain or allow women to be pastors/preachers. Other Christians (and a recent NYTimes article) have linked Chandler’s “inappropriate relationship” with former abuse scandals at the Village Church and wider SBC. And many others have pointed out how Chandler fits the archetype for the narcissistic mega-church pastors and their very public moral failures. Perhaps the Village Church elders, in “reading the writing on the wall,” are simply doing their due diligence to proactively avoid a “Mark Driscoll level” scandal. However, I believe that all of the above responses miss a key point that I will shed light on here.

That is, how the Billy Graham rule contributes to the over-sexualization of women in the Church and how that ruins relationships.

Yes, pastors/elders (and all Christians) should adhere to sexual ethics that are “above reproach.” By this, I mean fidelity to their marriage vows and their marriage bed. They should pursue consistent and intentional accountability for this fidelity in thought, word, and deed from a trusted community. Pastors/elders (and all Christians) should act towards others (same and opposite sex people whom they are not married to) in a way that pleases God, as defined by the biblical model of “Siblingship.”  

Here are the facts (as we know them today)

·      Matt Chandler and this female friend did not have a sexual, romantic, or physical relationship of any kind.

·      They did not have an emotional affair.

·      Both partners (Chandler and his female friend) were aware of the relationship the entire time and neither deemed it inappropriate.

·      The female friend (who has wished to stay anonymous) told Chandler that he had nothing to be sorry for and she did not feel, at any time, offended by Chandler’s messages to her.

·      If this friendship were to have been discovered between Chandler and a male friend, there would have been no disciplinary action taken, not for the “coarse joking” and not for the “violation of the social media policy.”

What is the “Sin?”

The elders deemed Chandler’s friendship as “inappropriate” because of its “familiarity and frequency.” Do you know what “familiar” means? It means family. “Brother and sisters” is the language used throughout the New Testament to describe the relationship between members of the Body of Christ. Even though the Village Church elders say they value “sibling relationships,” their actions suggest the opposite. Their actions say that “familiar (family) relationships” between men and women are not appropriate. What is Chandler’s “sin?” Chandler’s sin is that he had a friendship with a woman. And men cannot have familiar relationships with women because those friendships have the potential to become sexual.

What is this anonymous woman’s “sin?” Her sin is that she is a woman. As a woman, she had a friendship with a man who is not her husband. There has still been nothing said about this woman. We know nothing about her relationship with Chandler’s wife. We know nothing about her vocation, the health of her marriage, how she interacts in other friendships, or her spiritual vitality.

We know that the SBC believes that Christian males (leaders especially) should be so cautious around women that they dare not even eat a meal in a public place (The Billy Graham Rule). And therefore they certainly should not exchange private messages with a woman. The assumption is clear: “if a male/female friendship is familiar, it inevitably will become sexual.” These assumptions and actions paint women in an over-sexualized and dangerous light.  

It’s Always About Sex

The SBC continues to reveal that for this group of (mostly white) male leaders, everything is about sex. The SBC, and Village Church elders, have taken an innocent friendship between a married woman and a married man and sexualized it by taking extreme and public disciplinary action. They cannot conceive of a friendship that wouldn’t be leading to sex. Furthermore, they have taken such extreme disciplinary action in the “name of God,” insisting that this is “from God,” “from the scriptures,” etc.  

Women in the Church

The message that this sends to Christian women is simple: don’t have male friends that you “frequently or familiarly” interact with privately, especially if he is a pastor/elder because he might have to fight a sexual urge because of you. This is the residual toxicity of a purity culture that the SBC insists on keeping alive. Second, to Christian women, it says, if you do consent to these types of interactions/friendship with a man who is not your husband, that would be so heinous and un-Godly an act that it would warrant that man being subject to disciplinary action, an undefined leave of absence from his place of work, a public confession, and international humiliation

A Personal Note

Up to this point and with the facts that are known, I do not think Matt Chandler did anything wrong by having a friendship with a woman in his Church or for having private messages with her (that his wife and her husband knew about).  I don’t have anything against Matt Chandler, as a human. As a Pastor, and as a woman in the Church, systems, and situations like this have and continue to impact me daily. For 15 years of Church ministry, I have suffered at the gaze of those who chose to view me as an object, both sexualized and also avoided. I have experienced being overlooked and ignored, not mentored, not coached, and not cared for because of “Billy Graham Rule” boundaries. I do not think that such boundaries (do not look, do not touch, do not DM, do not lunch with), in any way, reflect the model or ministry of Jesus. I am weary of being questioned by men and women in the Church about “Who’s attention am I seeking for looking/dressing this way or acting this way?” Well-intentioned evangelicals have told me over the years that I should keep my skirt ankle length and my hair pulled back. I should try to stop looking so young. I should sit out and not participate in the Staff Christmas Party Games because my body may move too much and someone may lust after me. I should wear a shirt over my bathing suit at Church swim parties. I should be held to a different standard of behavior than others who are not my gender, not my age, or don’t look like me. I am weary of being overly sexualized because I am female.

I imagine a Church full of Siblings who hold each other accountable to sexual purity, who journey shoulder to shoulder as we confess and repent when we fall short. I imagine a Church that values healthy, spiritually vital, and sexually fulfilled marriage for ourselves and others. I imagine a Church that values intimate friendships between brothers and sisters (married or not) where authenticity, humor, and fun, vulnerability brings healing to our souls. I imagine a Church strategically builds systems that can support those friendships, not demonize them.

A Summary

The SBC has sacrificed familial relationships on the fabricated and empty altar of “holiness” propped on the foundation of the “Billy Graham Rule.” They have allowed purity culture, and not the scriptures, to be their ethical guidebook through this situation. The Billy Graham Rule, and the like, continue to demonize and objectify women in the church. It’s an ugly form of patriarchy masked in a “focus on the family” constructed guise of being “above reproach.”

What has happened to Matt Chandler is a symptom of the patriarchal culture that he is responsible for building. I am sorry for Matt and his family. And also, you reap what you sow.

Kelly Edmiston is the Associate Pastor at the Vineyard Church in Sugar Land, Tx. She has  spent 15 years serving churches in both domestic and international contexts. Her passion is to see believers equipped for the works of ministry and the Body of Christ edified. She holds a Master of Divinity from Abilene Christian University. She is completing a Doctorate of Ministry from Portland Seminary. She also serves as an Adjunct Bible Professor. Kelly, originally from Abilene, Texas enjoys “suburban life” with husband Ben, and their three children.