Readying to Reconcile

By Amanda Holm Rosengren, a sermon preached at our church on the Joseph narrative in Genesis.

As with so many of my fellow Americans, in the past couple of years I have been enjoying the tv show Ted Lasso -- about an American football coach who finds himself across the pond, coaching what the rest of the world calls football. This past week I watched the last episode of season 3 -- don’t worry, no spoiler! It’s got me thinking about sports more than usual. What’s the goal of a sports game? To win! But how do you win? Could I just gather a bunch of us from this room and bring us out on the field and say, “ok, now go win?”

The same thing is true with the performing arts -- music, theater, dance. If I pulled a bunch of us from the room and said, “Ok, perform an opera…” What happened next probably wouldn’t be a great, transcendent performance.

What DO you do if you want to win? With sports -- you train. Big time. Building muscle, running drills, eating the right sort of stuff, building a sense of team and how you work together. Same with performing arts -- you practice, you rehearse, you do vocal exercises or acting exercises or a thousand little dance moves that you practice over and over and over until it’s second nature.

For every “win,” for every amazing performance you witness, there are thousands of hours of practice behind it. Laying the groundwork. Practicing until your body just knows what to do when you’re finally under the spotlight, or when the game clock starts ticking.

We love to feel the glory of the “wins,” or of an amazing performance, don’t we? But it’s the hidden work of day-in-day out practice, training, and preparation that lays the groundwork for those winning outcomes we so love.

So it is with reconciliation -- an enormous topic that the story of Joseph raises for us today [in Genesis 45]. Reconciliation, like a sports “win” or an amazing performance, cannot always be accomplished unilaterally or by just tackling it head on. Sometimes it can. But the greater the break in relationship, particularly when there is great harm done by one party to the other or by both parties to each other over the course of many years, the more groundwork has to be laid before reconciliation is a possibility. The good news is, we can do that groundwork -- regardless of what the other party does or doesn’t do. As [last week’s preacher] reminded us, we can become the kind of people who are ready to be reconciled. How do we become that kind of people? How can we partner with the Holy Spirit to lay the groundwork for reconciliation in so far as it depends on us, so we are ready if “game time” comes? The story of Joseph shows us the way.

This text we have in front of today [when Joseph is reunited with his brothers] is so glorious and awesome -- it’s a true win-win. It feels so cathartic. But we need to back up a bit. Because this is the end of the story. It didn’t come out of nowhere. It came after years of twists and turns in which the Lord lay the groundwork for this reconciling reunion.

I would love to tell the whole story of Joseph for you this morning, but for the sake of time I’m going to assume basic biblical literacy and simply pick up after Joseph has been enslaved, after he spends time in prison, after Pharaoh raises him to second in command over the whole kingdom, after he administers the heck out of Egypt for seven years of plenty, two years into the great famine -- when his family back in Canaan has run out of food, and suddenly Joseph finds himself is face to face with his brothers again. Ten of them anyway -- Benjamin is back home with Dad.

The brothers don’t recognize the Egyptian official standing in front of them. Joseph is thoroughly “Egyptianized” -- different name, Egyptian wife, dressed Egyptianly, speaking Egyptian through a translator. Joseph does NOT reveal himself right away. He actually treats them pretty harshly. What is he doing? Is he just messing with them? Is he toying with revenge?

Imagine for a minute -- you’re Joseph, your brothers show up, Benjamin isn’t with them. He’s the only other brother born from Jacob’s favorite wife, Rachel. If you’re Joseph, what question are you asking yourself? “Did they kill Benjamin too?” In other words, have they changed? Are they the type of people who are safe to reconcile with?

So Joseph tests them. First he throws them in prison for 3 days -- they interpret it as them getting exactly what they deserve: Gen 42:21 “Surely we are being punished because of our brother…”

Joseph tells them they can go -- provided they come back and bring Benjamin. He wants to see if B is alive. AND he also keeps one of them as his hostage -- he binds Simeon in front of them, just as they bound Joseph so many years before, and he throws Simeon in prison. Again, you can imagine Joseph asking this question: “Will my brothers care about this one brother enough to return? Or will they do to him what they did to me?” Again -- are they the type of people who are safe to reconcile with?

They leave, without Simeon, not knowing that Joseph snuck their silver back into their bags. Remember, they sold him for 20 shekels of silver -- equivalent of two years wages. This time around, will they take the money and run? Will they value Simeon more than the silver? HAVE THEY CHANGED?

The brothers go home. They don’t return right away -- they wait until the food has run out (imagine poor Simeon biting his nails back in Egyptian jail!). When there’s no more food, they have to convince Jacob to let them bring Benjamin back with them. Jacob doesn’t want to let Benjamin go. Reuben tells his dad that if they don’t bring Benjamin back, Jacob can have the lives of Rueben’s two sons instead. Ummm, thanks Rueben…. But then Judah speaks up. He tells Jacob that he himself will shoulder the responsibility for Benjamin. He puts his life on the line for Benjamin, even though Benjamin is still clearly Jacob’s favorite. That’s new. Is it for real?

Back they go to Egypt -- with Benjamin, and DOUBLE the silver (again, a change), plus gifts for this strange Egyptian official on whom their lives depend. Joseph hosts them for a feast -- and gives Benjamin double the portion of everyone else. Another test: “Will they turn on B if he is shown unfair favor?” And one final test -- as they head out for home, AGAIN Joseph returns their silver… and then slips his own precious silver cup into Benjamin’s bag. As they are on the road, suddenly they are surrounded by Egyptians accusing them of stealing the cup of Egypt’s second-in-command.” They cry “we’re innocent, if you find the cup on us, whoever took it will become your slave, strange Egyptian official.” Their bags are searched, it’s in Benjamin’s bag. Benjamin is condemned to slavery.

This is the moment. The moment on which the rest of the narrative depends. Will they abandon Benjamin to slavery like they did to Joseph? Or have they, after all these years, truly become the kind of people with whom it is safe to reconcile? Has the groundwork of reconciliation been laid in THEM?

Judah speaks up. “Losing this son as well would destroy my father. I beg you, keep me here as your slave and let the boy return home.”

THIS is the point at which Joseph begins weeping uncontrollably. THIS is the point when Joseph finally reveals himself -- because he now knows that they have changed. They are the kind of people with whom it is safe to reconcile. The groundwork for reconciliation has indeed been laid.

There is SO MUCH that could be said about this story. What I’m interested in this morning is this: what do we learn from this story about how we can partner with the Holy Spirit to become the kind of people who are ready and able to be reconciled? How can we lay the groundwork, “train” for reconciliation -- regardless of the outcome, which is not in our control?

First, we lay the groundwork for reconciliation when we practice truth-telling, repentance, and forgiveness. All three of those things are necessary prerequisites for reconciliation. If reconciliation was a college course, it’d be a higher level course, and you’d have to take truth-telling, repentance, and forgiveness before you could enroll.

There is no possibility for reconciliation if we’re not willing to tell the truth -- first about ourselves, then about what we have experienced from the other person. How is it that we have this story recorded in the first place, with all its gory details? Joseph and the brothers told it! Passed it down generation to generation. And look at how Joseph identifies himself when he finally makes himself known to his brothers: “Joseph, your brother, whom you sold into slavery.” He says that, not to make them feel bad, but because that is his story. That is the thing that needs mending. Reconciliation is required when there’s been a break or a shattering of relationship. For there to be mending, we have to be honest about what it is that needs mending. Sometimes this is exactly where we get stuck -- we can’t agree about what is true, or we’re afraid to say it, or we just don’t see it yet. When that’s the case, we can pray that the Holy Spirit will lead us into truth in love.

There is no reconciliation without truth, and no reconciliation without repentance either. Imagine that when Joseph reveals himself, the brothers had responded, “well you deserved it! You provoked us! It’s all your fault!” That would have completely shut down any possibility for real mending of what was broken. Joseph was clearly not a perfect brother -- in fact he sounded pretty annoying -- but that doesn’t mean that he deserved what they did to him. They, and they alone, were responsible -- and their owning of that, and their recognition of how horribly it impacted their father (even though he hasn’t changed all that much), and the clear evidence that they HAD changed -- repentance is not just contrition, it is changing so you don’t do the harmful thing anymore -- all of that was needed in order for this reconciliation to be possible. We must be able to ask of ourselves: “am *I* the type of person with whom it would be safe to reconcile?”

Truth-telling and repentance are essential to reconciliation, and so is forgiveness.

Fundamentally forgiveness means that we release our desire to make the person who hurt us PAY for what they did to us. To make them hurt like we hurt. To “get ours.” Wherever we’ve been hurt or harmed, that is a choice we could make. Forgiveness means we refuse that option, and we take our hurt and rage to God -- vengeance belongs to him (the Psalms do this all over the place).

Forgiveness does not mean that we ignore something harmful done to us or never speak of it again -- in fact it requires telling the truth! Something was really done to us -- there is something to forgive. We can only forgive to the extent that we have been willing to face the depths and harm and poison of what we experienced. If we don’t face that, it’s not forgiveness -- it’s denial.

Joseph shows forgiveness when he doesn’t just completely obliterate his brothers when they show up in front of him. He could have killed them all -- or tortured them, thrown them in prison for the foreseeable future, denied them food. He does not take vengeance -- that’s a step of forgiveness. So why does Joseph do the things he did that does also give them a taste of their own medicine? Again, Joseph is testing the waters to see -- are they the kind of people with whom it would be safe to reconcile?. When they feel the pain of what they’ve done -- will they blame others and defend themselves, or throw one another under the bus? I’ve forgiven the past -- but is it safe to trust them not to do me more harm in the future?

Joseph shows forgiveness when he tests the waters to see if reconciliation is a possibility -- but it is the combo of all three -- truth, repentance, and forgiveness -- that opens the door fully to reconciliation.

Second, we lay the groundwork for reconciliation when we prioritize the restoration of those injured. Sometimes when there’s a relational break, both sides are injured equally. But it is very, very important for us to remember that that is not always true. For example, in Joseph’s case -- his brothers mistreat him. Full stop. Joseph did not deserve what they did to him.

When the responsibility for the break in relationship is one sided, as it is in Joseph’s story, as it is when there is abuse of any kind, the types of groundwork needed for reconciliation to occur are not the same on both sides. Joseph’s brothers become the kind of people who are able to be reconciled through suffering -- particularly suffering from the consequences of their own actions -- and repentance. Joseph’s word of comfort to them comes AFTER he’d seen their repentance, not before.

Joseph suffers too, that’s for sure -- but the basic groundwork for Joseph to become the kind of person who is able to be reconciled is not repentance. It is restoration. Becoming the kind of person who is whole enough to reconcile.

Chanequa Walker-Barnes, in her amazing exploration of racial reconciliation “I Bring the Voices of My People,” reminds us that “reconciliation is about restoring us to right relationship with God, with humanity & creation, & with ourselves” -- and that for those who have experienced the crushing oppression of things such as racism and abuse, reconciliation “involves healing the damage that has been wrought on us” (176). That internal damage can be extensive and terrible, particularly in situations where harm was experienced over long periods of time.

Joseph experienced tremendous restoration that laid the groundwork for him to be able to reconcile. He was empowered, affirmed for his gifts even in prison. The Lord blessed him and literally raised him up from the pit -- when he faces his brothers again, his well-being is no longer dependent on them at all. He has been able to make meaning from what he has suffered because he is on the other side of it. He can see the full trajectory of what the Lord has done. For him and through him. Joseph is able to reconcile with his brothers because they no longer have power over him, he has integrated his mistreatment into his story in a way that makes sense and provides meaning, and because he is now whole -- or whole enough.

Sometimes those of us who know the power and beauty of reconciliation can, with the best of intentions, do harm to those injured by pushing them to “reconcile” with the one who harmed them. How do I know? Because I’ve done it. I have learned this lesson the hard way. If you want to help someone who has been mistreated, don’t start with reconciliation. Start with the pain. Sit with them in their pain without judgment, for as long as it takes. Speak to them of their worth. Support them as they seek to become whole again -- perhaps even, with time, whole enough to be able to reconcile. As we prioritize restoration of those injured -- even when that’s us -- we lay the groundwork for reconciliation.

And last, we lay the groundwork for reconciliation when we release our timelines for it. Reconciliation is God’s work, and God will do it in God’s own time. We want to get to the end of the story. When I read to my kids at night and we run out of time to finish the book, they HATE it! The middle is wayyyy too uncomfortable. If only our lives were like books where we could just flip forward and see how it ends. We can see the ultimate ending, of course -- when Christ returns and all shall be well. But the discomfort along the way -- it’s agonizing.

But think with me for a minute -- how many years pass between when Joseph’s brothers sell him into slavery, and when they reunite?

The Bible tells us. Joseph is 17 at the beginning of the story. He is 30 when he enters Pharaoh’s service. Then there are seven years of plenty. And his brothers show up two years into the famine. That’s 22 years by my count. 22 years of God working restoration in Joseph’s life and repentance in the lives of his brothers. 22 years of preparation and groundwork that led to that glorious moment of reconciliation. 22 years for Joseph to become the kind of person who was whole enough to reconcile. 22 years for the brothers to become the kinds of people who were safe enough to reconcile with.

Reconciliation, and forgiveness too for that matter, takes time. When we try to rush it, we often have really good intentions -- we want to be faithful followers of Christ. But when we rush to reconciliation, we can inadvertently short-circuit the deeper, mysterious work God desires to do.

God is about the business of reconciling all things to himself in Christ Jesus our Lord. He WILL do it. Our job is to be faithful with our training, lay the groundwork, and to be patient with the discomfort in the meantime.

In a moment we’ll have some space to reflect on what we’ve heard -- where is the Spirit speaking something to you? Is it related to truth-telling, repentance, or forgiveness? Is it related to prioritizing restoration of the injured? Is it related to patience with God’s timing? Or do you need to simply groan at the discomfort of living in the middle of the story,?

Holy Spirit, make us people who are whole enough to reconcile, and safe enough to reconcile with. Amen.