Sometimes, I Don’t Believe

Mike Glenn

Photo by Michaela St on Unsplash

A friend said something that hurt my feelings. My friend’s words were mean and targeted in an area of my life where I am particularly vulnerable – and he knew that. I was hurt. I was angry and I was totally justified in the anger I felt. There is nothing more gratifying than nursing a rightfully earned grudge.

Yet, I’ve been a follower of Christ long enough to know this wasn’t a healthy place for me to stay nor was it faithful to Jesus. I had to forgive my friend if I was going to live in obedience to Christ. So, I started working through the process of forgiving my friend. Most people think forgiveness is done in one solitary action. It’s not. True forgiveness is more like a spiral. You feel like you’re walking in circles, but in reality, you are addressing the problem at ever deeper levels. We forgive at one level and then, we have to forgive at the next level. That’s the reason we’re surprised when we feel a residual anger after we thought we had forgiven our offender. We have to forgive the same offense at deeper levels.

Even knowing all of this, I found myself stuck as I thought about my friend’s offense. I knew I had forgiven him. I knew we were good. So, why did I keep thinking about his words? As I wrote about the incident in my journal, I found myself working through a series of questions. Here is what I knew:

1. My friend’s words were not true. Why had I reacted to them as if they were?

2. His words didn’t describe the person I know I am. Why did I give his words credence?

3. His words directly conflicted with what Christ has said about me. Why did I believe my friend’s words over what Jesus says about me?

Jesus says I’m beloved. Why didn’t I believe in Him?

Jesus says I’m useful to the Kingdom. Why didn’t I believe Him?

Jesus says I’m forgiven. Why don’t I believe that?

One of the most basic, yet most precious truths we have in Christ is the same one we sang when we were children. “Jesus loves me this I know.” But sometimes, I don’t believe that. I find myself jumping through all kinds of hoops in an effort to be validated by people whose opinions I think would give my life value and meaning. Sometimes I don’t believe that I am loved and treasured freely by Christ.

What kind of difference would it make in my life if I could live daily in the simple freedom of knowing I am loved by Christ? Yet, I confess, there are sometimes I don’t believe.

Jesus tells me I am forgiven. He says my sins are removed from Him as far as the east is from the west. Yet, there are days when I seem to wallow in regret and remorse for moments I should have been brave, for things I should have said or done…or for things I did and said. If Jesus isn’t thinking about my failures, why should I?

Could I imagine how much richer my life would be if I wasn’t mired in the swamp of yesterday’s mistakes? What would be possible if I believed?

In one of my favorite stories about Jesus, a man’s son can’t be healed by the disciples. When the man asks if Jesus can do anything, Jesus tells him that all things are possible to those who believe. The father replies when one of my favorite verses in all the Bible. “Lord, I believe. Help my unbelief.”

Don’t get me wrong. I believe a lot of the time. I would probably say I believe most of the time. Yet, I must confess there are moments when I really don’t believe much at all. There are times when I let the world override the word of Jesus in my life. There are times when I trade the lies of our culture for the truth of Jesus. There are, in fact, times when I really don’t believe much at all.

Sometimes, life is hard. Sometimes, the questions seem to have no answers. Sometimes, the moment is too big for my faith. I’m believing as best I know how, but sometimes I know it’s not enough.

So, I confess my lack of belief. I pray Jesus will understand that some days I’m just not that strong. I’ll believe. I’ll believe as best I can and pray Jesus will help me with the rest of it.