From Chuck DeGroat’s Tweet: I’ve worked with hundreds of folks over 25 years from all different stripes, backgrounds and faith traditions, and you know who has the hardest time with @wademullen’s great graphic below? Christian leaders. “Do you wish to rise? Begin by descending. You plan a tower that will pierce the clouds? Lay first the foundation of humility.” — St. Augustine
Yes, the “fauxpology” can be weaponized against victim-survivors to say, but “he apologized about (something unrelated to the abuse),” for example. When really the “apology” was “I’m sorry for how you feel” about my actions (excused by a false narrative within the apology.)” It serves the purpose of making the victim-survivors look “unforgiving” and repeats the focus on forgiveness monitoring of the victim-survivor while letting the perpetrator off the hook from true repentance, repair or Yom Kippur.
Wade’s work here has been so helpful to hold church leaders and organizations to a standard. I wish more would follow it.
Such important words. True remorse is expressed best through taking full responsibility. A genuine apology expresses such understanding or desire to understand how it hurt the one we wounded. Rather than say, "Well, I said I'm sorry," we will express "I am truly sorry and deeply regret my actions and how I hurt you. I realize you may need time and understand if you cannot accept this right now." The heart is toward the one wounded, not defensiveness or self protection.
I still remember the “apology” of a board member, who said, “if I have done anything wrong, I am sorry.” He clearly did not recognize what he had done. It never felt like a good apology. I remember the teaching of Ruth Haley Barton, when she said, a good apology involves not only acknowledging the wrong that was done, but also showing a change of behavior, or at least a good apology includes the acknowledgment of trying to right the wrong, or at least asking the question wondering if there is anything at this point that the person can do to make things right or better.
Yes, the “fauxpology” can be weaponized against victim-survivors to say, but “he apologized about (something unrelated to the abuse),” for example. When really the “apology” was “I’m sorry for how you feel” about my actions (excused by a false narrative within the apology.)” It serves the purpose of making the victim-survivors look “unforgiving” and repeats the focus on forgiveness monitoring of the victim-survivor while letting the perpetrator off the hook from true repentance, repair or Yom Kippur.
Wade’s work here has been so helpful to hold church leaders and organizations to a standard. I wish more would follow it.
Thank you Scott for sharing this. This is something I need to remember.
Such important words. True remorse is expressed best through taking full responsibility. A genuine apology expresses such understanding or desire to understand how it hurt the one we wounded. Rather than say, "Well, I said I'm sorry," we will express "I am truly sorry and deeply regret my actions and how I hurt you. I realize you may need time and understand if you cannot accept this right now." The heart is toward the one wounded, not defensiveness or self protection.
I still remember the “apology” of a board member, who said, “if I have done anything wrong, I am sorry.” He clearly did not recognize what he had done. It never felt like a good apology. I remember the teaching of Ruth Haley Barton, when she said, a good apology involves not only acknowledging the wrong that was done, but also showing a change of behavior, or at least a good apology includes the acknowledgment of trying to right the wrong, or at least asking the question wondering if there is anything at this point that the person can do to make things right or better.