15 Marks of a Narcissist

Ramani Nurvasula's study of narcissistic personality style

Following the writing of A Church called Tov, and leading to Pivot, Laura Barringer (my daughter) and I were asked a common short list of questions.

What can we do to nurture a tov culture in our church?
I work for an abusive pastor/leader: what can I do about it?
How do I know when to leave my church or my position at the church?

That second question arose for a discussion in our home about a month ago when Kris, at the suggestion of a friend, checked out a book from our local library and began reading Ramani Durvasula, It’s Not You: Identifying and Healing from Narcissistic People. Kris, who is a psychologist, liked the book enough and knew about the many conversations we have had about abusive leaders, that she suggested that we buy the book and work through it here on this Substack. So, this series is for those who have experienced the rough side of leaders. Today’s post analyzes the problem. Durvasula calls it the “narcissistic personality style” as she avoids restricting the problem to the more official diagnosis of narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). (Chuck DeGroot’s book is a good read on NPD.)

Durvasula begins with some presenting symptoms of those who have been abused and wounded.

In her patients, Durvasula found a pattern in those who, having worked under or with such a person, “

… doubted themselves, ruminated, felt ashamed, were psychologically isolated, confused, and helpless. Increasingly, they censored themselves in these relationships and became progressively more numb and restrained to avoid the criticism, contempt, or anger from these challenging people in their lives. They were trying to change themselves with the hope that this would change this person and relationship.

It didn’t matter if the problem person with power was a spouse or a family member or a work relationship…

… my clients consistently shared stories of being invalidated or shamed for having a need or for expressing or being themselves. Their experiences, perceptions, and reality itself were regularly challenged. They were blamed for the problematic behavior of these people in their lives.” [She knows that the] “person who holds the narrative holds the power.” [She tells of her own experience:] “I slowly set boundaries, radically accepted that none of this behavior would change, stop trying to change the antagonistic people in my life, and disengage from them and their behavior.”

She will return to all this in the second part of the book, which turns from analysis of a narcissistic personality style to the wounded person and how to respond. I cannot count the number of persons who approached me about these presenting problems and asked what to do. I wish I had this book four years ago. She lays this down (her italics):

The only thing you need to understand about narcissism is that in almost all cases this personality pattern was there before you came into the narcissistic person's life and it will be there after you leave.

Her theme: It’s not you. That is, “narcissistic patterns and behaviors really don’t change and you are not to blame for another person’s invalidating behavior.”

So, to clarifying narcissism.

“Narcissism is an interpersonally maladaptive personality style.”

“Narcissism is about a deep insecurity and fragility offset by maneuvers like domination, manipulation, and gaslighting, which allow the narcissistic person to stay in control. The variable empathy and lack of self-awareness mean that they do not stop to consider the harm their behavior is creating for other people.” The issue, then, is the harmful impacts of the narcissistic personality style. Again, “the behavior is also unlikely to change.” So, her focus is on how to respond, not how to change the person. Here are the major elements in narcissistic personality style (again, she’s not redescribing DSM-IV’s NPD. In what follows, I give her categories and either a quotation or two or something that sticks close to what she writes.

First, a need for narcissistic supply. “Narcissistic people need validation and admiration, and this need motivates much of their behavior. They seek out status, compliments, excessive recognition, and attention, and this may happen through ostentatious wealth, physical appearance, friends who fawn over them, or social media likes and follows.” They have a need for an endless supply of affirmation. Yet, “Anyone around them must bring supply or face their wrath.”

Second, egocentricity. This is more than selfishness because it has “a devaluation chaser.” The narcissist not only needs to be on top but they need to degrade all others or affirm others who affirm their being on top.

Third, consistent inconsistency. “When the narcissistic person is well regulated, feels they are in control, and has sufficient narcissistic supply … they may be less antagonistic and more pleasant. Unfortunately, the narcissistic supply gets stale for them quickly, so they always need more, new, better.” Which leads to her next element of the narcissistic personality style.

Fourth, restlessness. “Narcissistic people often seem perpetually bored, disenchanted, or contemptuous if things are not interesting and engaging enough for them.” They live on novelty, freshness, excitement.

Fifth, delusional grandiosity, that is, “exaggerated beliefs about the person's importance in the world, fantastical beliefs about ideal love stories and their current or future success, a sense of superiority over other people and of a uniqueness and specialness about themselves not observed in others. Grandiosity also means that the person believes they are better than others.” Life is a contest about winning and losing; anyone new on the block needs to be evaluated.

Sixth, shifting masks. “The confusion comes from the narcissistic person going between charming, fun, and charismatic, or at least normal and regulated, to abusive, sullen, and enraged.” Again, “their self-appraisal is high when things are going their way, and when things are not, they blame the world and shift to viewing themselves as a victim.” Hard to know which will show up on which day.

Seventh, entitlement. “Narcissistic people believe that they are special, must be given special treatment, can only be truly understood by other special people, and that the rules should not apply to them. If rules are applied to them or they are held accountable, narcissistic folks become quite angry and push back because those rules are for ordinary people!” They create cultures in which they are special. Those who don’t treat them that way are shamed.

Eighth, overcompensating for insecurity. “Narcissism is not about high self-esteem or low self-esteem as much as it is about inaccurate, inflated, and variable self-appraisal.” Which needs her quicker explanation: “the narcissistic person always harbors a lurking sense of inadequacy that is close to the bone.” Thus, “All of this narcissistic stuff – the grandiosity, entitlement, arrogance, charisma – is a defensive suit of armor designed to protect the narcissistic person, a sort of adult superhero cape they can tie around their fragile psyche.”

Ninth, being thin-skinned. “Narcissistic folks can dish it out but they cannot take it. When you give them even the mildest critique or feedback, you must be prepared for rapid, rageful, and disproportionate reactions, and it can be doubly confusing because they will frequently retaliate by criticizing you in far harsher terms.” She brings up at times DARVO, which describes this reactionary nature of the narcissistic personality style: deny, accuse, reverse victim and offender. Along with reactionary responses they will seek out someone to soothe them.

Here is one to write out for those of you experiencing such a relationship: “The dance between the narcissistic reactive sensitivity to feedback, their need for reassurance and chronic sense that they are a victim, and their shame and subsequent rage at having these vulnerabilities reminds us of the essence of narcissistic relationships: you can't win.”

Tenth, inability to self-regulate. “Narcissistic people cannot manage their emotions.” This does not mean they are overly emotional. “They don't know how to express them because that would be too shameful and vulnerable, and so they cannot regulate them…. their lashing out is unprocessed stuff.” They might give a “hollow apology.”

Eleventh, need for dominance. For some reason, this is perhaps the most common complaint I have heard from those abused in church contexts. “Narcissistic folks are motivated by dominance, status, control, power, and the desire to be special. Affiliation, intimacy, and closeness are not motivating for them. Thus they are always going to need to have the upper hand in any relationship.” Even more: “Relationships exist largely for the narcissistic persons benefit and pleasure.”

Twelfth, lack of empathy. “Their empathy is hollow and variable. Narcissistic people have cognitive empathy … and performative [empathy]” in that they want to look good. It may be “transactional” but they “deploy it as a tactic.” They appear empathic when things are going well. Empathy fades for them once they get what they want from the person needing empathy.

Thirteenth, contempt for others. “Narcissistic people need people, and they resent that they need people. Needing people means other people have power, and they cannot tolerate thinking of themselves as dependent on anyone.” She observes insightfully that “other people’s vulnerabilities become an unwitting mirror for the narcissistic persons own insecurities… [leading to] passive-aggressive digs and jabs.”

Fourteenth, projection of shame. Narcissistic persons “unacceptable aspects of themselves onto another person” and so they feel good about themselves by degrading the other person. Projection can protect the narcissistic personality style from the insight of their own problems.

Fifteenth, being incredibly charming. “If narcissistic people are entitled, rageful, manipulative, and invalidating, why don't we see these behaviors early and get the hell away? Because narcissistic people have great game period they are charming, charismatic, confident, curious, and often very well put together and intelligent.” Therefore, successful and who doesn’t want to be on the winning team? “Narcissistic people are skilled shape-shifters and chameleons. They have an uncanny ability to camouflage themselves, get close, and then behave badly.”

Yes, Chuck DeGroat reminds us all that those with platforms — pastors, leaders in a church, professors, anyone on the platform — are “on the spectrum.” But this series is for those who suffer from the narcissistic personality style and who are looking for help in navigating the relationship. It begins with recognizing it; it takes shape when we realize what we can and cannot do. More to come.