"Her concern is HCRs (high control religions), realizing the trauma one experienced in them, leaving HCRs, and healing from the trauma and the rupture of relations that leaving entails." This sentence points to the importance of church leaders to comprehend attachment theory. A church is either ethically wanting what Jesus teaches for people OR they want a business. It's an either or thing. Jesus teaches about relating well. You can't avoid grief/lament because we are designed to lament, unless you want to keep people coming and that makes it a business not a church.
Understanding design, in His image, it critical for understanding the process you will go through to recognize trauma from church practices. I think Laura's understanding does a fairly good job of describing. I realized a couple of important things about being human from this book and Scot's posts. One being that I had not grieved the loss. My experience of healing or transformation created a lot of attachment over 20 years. Some of those practices need to be discontinued and an unwillingness to look at the hard truth, I had to make the decision to leave. But that doesn't stop the pain of loss. It's comparable to why women stay in abusive marriages. And children grow into adults thinking their family was good, when, in fact, they were violent. We don't disconnect easily if we are at all "normal". Even to things that are not good for us.
Scot I'm impressed with your understanding the material.
Wow. Powerful post. Just reading it, and finding a shared perspective, is part of the continued healing. Thank you.
Briefly, two things:
1. This line, “Trauma makes one mute and numb, and recovery is not feasible without the victim finding his/her/their voice and naming his/her/their suffering.” is so true, if my experience is indicative at all. I see that I remain powerless (and living below God’s intent?) until I embrace the pain and acknowledge the loss. I also continue, in effect, to be complicit in the false narrative and bound to its ongoing tortures. Worse, I may also be (unintentionally and/or unconsciously) giving power to those who would perpetuate the denial of truth. Helpful ideas for me to ruminate upon and pray through.
2. It does raise a question for me. Could it be that those who encourage denial of grief or the depth and experience of trauma are in effect denying the compassion and power of Jesus Christ and His cross? My thought: rather than giving space or inviting others to press into the One (our High Priest) who is well acquainted with sorrow and suffering, aren’t they essentially (whether intentionally or not) erecting blockades from where true ministry and healing is found (ironically)? I’d love to hear from others on that. It’s not something I’ve thought about before.
Thanks again, Scot. I’m so appreciative for the way you press into hard things.
I think that this recognition of trauma, especially in the church, is so recent nobody "knows" how to do it well. Everyone is fumbling around, and will be, trying to figure it out, for awhile. I seriusly doubt, at any conscious level, churches are with it enough to decide to avoid grief. Maybe the wealthy ones. But most churches are about 75-100 people.
What I know about grief was I buried it for 33 years and then it came out whether I or anybody in the church wanted it to. I thought I was going crazy. I know when my first born disappeared for a couple of years that that was THE most pain filled thing I have or will experience. It definitely changed me, there is no way to go back. I didn't understand the word lament until recently, my son disappearing took me into lament and I fully exerienced the pain. The people in the church got tired of it. But eventually the energy, pain, did get burned off. And I am more present now. So, yes, if church leaders do not understand lament they are encouraging keeping people from being fully present. And I believe God wants us to be fully present and showing up. In EVERY conversation. But we have a responsibility to recognize the other may not be there yet. They may be a church leader, but we have to be compassionate with their healing. They may have listened to a lot of story, but not felt their own story yet.
Rob, to answer your question #2, I would say absolutely yes. I have thought the same thing. It’s not all that different from denial of sin, where the one sinned against is encouraged to dismiss it by just “forgiving,” yet the perpetrator is not encouraged to fully own his sin or to apologize and make restitution. The one hurt is doubly discomforted while the offender is let off easy; hard work is left undone, and neither person is ministered to properly. It is my fervent prayer that this would change.
“Spiritual bypassing” This gives helpful language to what I experienced 6 years ago when I lost my daughter (and what continues today.) It’s not intentional in most cases. People just don’t know how to respond and bypassing makes them more comfortable. There is a book everyone seems to love and recommend to me that I hated. It’s hard to explain why but I think now it is all about bypassing the grief.
Anyway thank you for this post. Much to think about.
I'm going to remember that phrase: "spiritual bypassing." It nails the way that so many handle trauma of all kinds.
Indeed.
"Her concern is HCRs (high control religions), realizing the trauma one experienced in them, leaving HCRs, and healing from the trauma and the rupture of relations that leaving entails." This sentence points to the importance of church leaders to comprehend attachment theory. A church is either ethically wanting what Jesus teaches for people OR they want a business. It's an either or thing. Jesus teaches about relating well. You can't avoid grief/lament because we are designed to lament, unless you want to keep people coming and that makes it a business not a church.
Understanding design, in His image, it critical for understanding the process you will go through to recognize trauma from church practices. I think Laura's understanding does a fairly good job of describing. I realized a couple of important things about being human from this book and Scot's posts. One being that I had not grieved the loss. My experience of healing or transformation created a lot of attachment over 20 years. Some of those practices need to be discontinued and an unwillingness to look at the hard truth, I had to make the decision to leave. But that doesn't stop the pain of loss. It's comparable to why women stay in abusive marriages. And children grow into adults thinking their family was good, when, in fact, they were violent. We don't disconnect easily if we are at all "normal". Even to things that are not good for us.
Scot I'm impressed with your understanding the material.
Thank you Ginger.
Wow. Powerful post. Just reading it, and finding a shared perspective, is part of the continued healing. Thank you.
Briefly, two things:
1. This line, “Trauma makes one mute and numb, and recovery is not feasible without the victim finding his/her/their voice and naming his/her/their suffering.” is so true, if my experience is indicative at all. I see that I remain powerless (and living below God’s intent?) until I embrace the pain and acknowledge the loss. I also continue, in effect, to be complicit in the false narrative and bound to its ongoing tortures. Worse, I may also be (unintentionally and/or unconsciously) giving power to those who would perpetuate the denial of truth. Helpful ideas for me to ruminate upon and pray through.
2. It does raise a question for me. Could it be that those who encourage denial of grief or the depth and experience of trauma are in effect denying the compassion and power of Jesus Christ and His cross? My thought: rather than giving space or inviting others to press into the One (our High Priest) who is well acquainted with sorrow and suffering, aren’t they essentially (whether intentionally or not) erecting blockades from where true ministry and healing is found (ironically)? I’d love to hear from others on that. It’s not something I’ve thought about before.
Thanks again, Scot. I’m so appreciative for the way you press into hard things.
Blessings,
RT
I think that this recognition of trauma, especially in the church, is so recent nobody "knows" how to do it well. Everyone is fumbling around, and will be, trying to figure it out, for awhile. I seriusly doubt, at any conscious level, churches are with it enough to decide to avoid grief. Maybe the wealthy ones. But most churches are about 75-100 people.
What I know about grief was I buried it for 33 years and then it came out whether I or anybody in the church wanted it to. I thought I was going crazy. I know when my first born disappeared for a couple of years that that was THE most pain filled thing I have or will experience. It definitely changed me, there is no way to go back. I didn't understand the word lament until recently, my son disappearing took me into lament and I fully exerienced the pain. The people in the church got tired of it. But eventually the energy, pain, did get burned off. And I am more present now. So, yes, if church leaders do not understand lament they are encouraging keeping people from being fully present. And I believe God wants us to be fully present and showing up. In EVERY conversation. But we have a responsibility to recognize the other may not be there yet. They may be a church leader, but we have to be compassionate with their healing. They may have listened to a lot of story, but not felt their own story yet.
It's so complex. I'll post a comment
Rob, to answer your question #2, I would say absolutely yes. I have thought the same thing. It’s not all that different from denial of sin, where the one sinned against is encouraged to dismiss it by just “forgiving,” yet the perpetrator is not encouraged to fully own his sin or to apologize and make restitution. The one hurt is doubly discomforted while the offender is let off easy; hard work is left undone, and neither person is ministered to properly. It is my fervent prayer that this would change.
Powerful reflections, Rob. I'm especially resonating with reflection no. 1.
#2 yes, I agree. it seems like those in control want to control everything and they do that by grooming them to not trust their own emotions.
“Spiritual bypassing” This gives helpful language to what I experienced 6 years ago when I lost my daughter (and what continues today.) It’s not intentional in most cases. People just don’t know how to respond and bypassing makes them more comfortable. There is a book everyone seems to love and recommend to me that I hated. It’s hard to explain why but I think now it is all about bypassing the grief.
Anyway thank you for this post. Much to think about.
Thank you Scott