Last summer, when Laura and I were writing Tov Unleashed, the follow-up to A Church called Tov, we wanted to answer at least some of the questions we were asked most often. Like, why don’t people, when seeing bad behaviors, speak up or speak out? One mysterious issue comes to full disclosure in this question we get asked, Why do some people in fact defend someone who has done something wrong? Why do they believe against compelling facts?
This is so sad for the victim, who takes a back seat alone and isolated in their pain so that others can keep the relationships on a false basis--relationships which are inauthentic. When these victims talk with me, that isolation is one of the greatest aspects of their pain. They can internalize the belief that they do not matter. and often begin to live as if they do not matter. The iatrogenic pain is that their pain is added to by the silence of key people in their lives.
I think one of the reasons is people do not want to lose their families, friends, community, circle etc... This fear of being excommunicated and abandoned by the relationships we built over the years, the very ones that define us. Also in some cultures it's the stigma we bring on our family for even being involved in such a situation. I'm not saying these are good reasons. They are not. But as human nature people don't want to rock their boat and risk loss.
I was in a church during one of the largest number of staff firings by a Sr. Pastor. I had suspicions that were cemented that something was seriously wrong when they had to hire additional HR staff to process the revolving door of staff and pastors. But all the leaders spoke to how much integrity, morals and the highest character of every leader in the church, including the Sr. Pastor. How they were always an esteemed church that God worked in. Yeah, God worked to overturn the tables there, and God proved He worked as a threat to them. It was very toxic and full of all the comp and patriarchy abuses and failures. I still remember how they bragged they were so high, mighty, and respected in the community and it was all bull and God has totally humiliated them and there have been massive exoduses from there…. Is this what this book is talking about?
As in the case of the SBC, the abusers were typically considered friends, and people won't report or take sides against a friend. That was true in my own seminary situation, and is true in Christian and non-Christian organizations of every stripe.
This is so sad for the victim, who takes a back seat alone and isolated in their pain so that others can keep the relationships on a false basis--relationships which are inauthentic. When these victims talk with me, that isolation is one of the greatest aspects of their pain. They can internalize the belief that they do not matter. and often begin to live as if they do not matter. The iatrogenic pain is that their pain is added to by the silence of key people in their lives.
I think one of the reasons is people do not want to lose their families, friends, community, circle etc... This fear of being excommunicated and abandoned by the relationships we built over the years, the very ones that define us. Also in some cultures it's the stigma we bring on our family for even being involved in such a situation. I'm not saying these are good reasons. They are not. But as human nature people don't want to rock their boat and risk loss.
I was in a church during one of the largest number of staff firings by a Sr. Pastor. I had suspicions that were cemented that something was seriously wrong when they had to hire additional HR staff to process the revolving door of staff and pastors. But all the leaders spoke to how much integrity, morals and the highest character of every leader in the church, including the Sr. Pastor. How they were always an esteemed church that God worked in. Yeah, God worked to overturn the tables there, and God proved He worked as a threat to them. It was very toxic and full of all the comp and patriarchy abuses and failures. I still remember how they bragged they were so high, mighty, and respected in the community and it was all bull and God has totally humiliated them and there have been massive exoduses from there…. Is this what this book is talking about?
Our focus will be on practices that can transform a church, but we do bring up some of these issues.
As in the case of the SBC, the abusers were typically considered friends, and people won't report or take sides against a friend. That was true in my own seminary situation, and is true in Christian and non-Christian organizations of every stripe.
This is so interesting….thank you 😊